At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
