I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
