Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
