It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I deserve this hangover.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
