Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
