you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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