No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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