i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
