Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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