There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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