Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
