I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
