So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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