I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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