Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
