my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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