fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
