why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
