Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Your tits are I can't wait for
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
