my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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