I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
