dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
