he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
