Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My vagina is officially offended.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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