I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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