My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
