Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
