i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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