Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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