you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
