u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
