Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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