Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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