you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
