Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
