Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
