That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
