I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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