So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
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He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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