After last night, I could never be a politician.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
