I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
