His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
