last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
this will be a night to untag.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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