Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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