All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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