i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
