dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
