I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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