I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
