I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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