My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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