I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
