the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
