There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
