My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Houston, we have a blender
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
