I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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