Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
