I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
