in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
