I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
