I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
