apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
