and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
