My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
