Buhtt sex?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
