Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
