Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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