so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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