If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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